In partnership with
There's a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from trying to manage how another person feels.
You don't notice it building.
It just becomes a constant low-level awareness: scanning, adjusting, accommodating.
Reading the mood of the room. Treading softly around anger, trying not to trigger something you can't fix.
This is how I grew up. Alert to danger.
That alertness had a name. I just didn't know it yet.
The Confession
I just wanted to make her happy.
That's where this starts.
What I didn't understand — what took me an embarrassingly long time to understand — is that trying to make someone happy is not my job.
And the harder I tried, the more miserable we both became.
When she was unhappy with me, I didn't get stronger.
I didn't step toward the problem.
I accommodated. I softened. I avoided.
I gave more ground, asked for less in return and found every way I could to smooth things over and reduce the friction.
What she needed in those moments wasn't this.
She needed me to be present. Directed. Strong.
I genuinely thought I was being loving, and believed that making her happy was the point.
That if she was good, we were good.
Alas, it wasn’t.
The Pattern
Becoming a people pleaser didn't start in my marriage.
I grew up around people who were angry and unhappy, and as a kid, I tried to fix that.
I tried to make it better, to be smaller and quieter and easier so that maybe the temperature would come down.
It didn't work then either.
What it taught me was this:
the safest version of me was the version that didn't take up too much space.
"Your energy is too much."
"Your emotions are weakness."
"Be agreeable. Be useful. Be easy."
So I got very good at disappearing from myself while appearing to be fully present.
Unknowingly, I brought all of that into my marriage.
I chose a situation that felt familiar.
When she was unhappy, I tried to fix it.
When I couldn't fix it, I blamed myself.
When I blamed myself, I gave more.
And on it went.
I was attaching my self-worth to whether the people around me were happy.
And when they weren't, it could only mean one thing.
I was the problem.
Recommend: Full Interview linked at the bottom of this newsletter.
You're Not Alone In This
Nearly half of Americans — 48% — identify as people-pleasers.
Psychologists classify it as a learned behavior, not a character flaw. It usually starts young. It almost always follows you into the relationships that matter most.
People Pleaser Signs you might recognize:
Avoiding conflict at all costs.
You agree even when you don't, and go silent when you should speak.Taking responsibility for others' emotions.
When someone's upset, you assume it's your fault — and your job to fix it.Difficulty saying no.
You accept more when you're already stretched, because no feels too costly.Over-apologizing and taking blame.
Sorry comes automatically, even when nothing was your fault.Difficulty identifying your true feelings.
Years of focusing outward can disconnect you from what you actually want.
Source: therapist.com
Ten years ago, I didn't have a name for what I was doing.
I just knew I was trying to make someone happy and failing — and that the trying was making things worse.
That's the part nobody tells you early enough:
You can name it.
You can work on it.
You can get the support you need so you don't have to keep failing at something that was never your job in the first place.
The Reframe
Here's what I eventually understood.
It's not my job to make other people happy.
My job is to be a happy, whole person — to understand my own value, what brings me joy, what I actually believe about myself. To stop measuring my worth by whether the people around me are okay.
The more you contort yourself to make someone happy, the less present you actually are.
The unhappier everyone becomes.
You lose yourself. They lose you too.
What I had to change was the belief that had been running for years:
If they aren't happy, I am the problem.
Dismantling that is slow work.
I spent my whole life trying to fix other people's unhappiness.
Turns out the only one I needed to fix was mine.
Why This Matters Here
If you are a people-pleaser in any relationship, but specifically a co-parenting relationship, know that you are not keeping the peace.
You are training your co-parent to expect accommodation where you should be offering honesty.
Co-parenting done well requires two people who know what they think, say what they mean, and can handle disagreement without collapsing or escalating.
For most of us — especially those who learned young that conflict was dangerous — that has to be built.
The building starts with you.
I titled this “recovering” people pleaser because this is one of the hardest habits I have needed to unlearn.
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Sending Love
Justin | The Joyful CoParent
If you are willing to continue following your curiosity, this is the full episode of Modern Wisdom where Chris Williamson interviews Alain de Botton is a philosopher, author, and founder of The School of Life.
Great interview, I learned a lot.
Thank you for reading.
I didn't become a joyful co-parent overnight — and if you're in the middle of this, you probably won't either.
I share my journey to connect with others working through the same confusing transformation.
Connect with me:
If this resonated, reply directly — I'd genuinely love to hear your story.
If it landed for you, consider passing it to someone who might need it.
It might be exactly what they need to hear.
Thank you,
Justin | The Joyful CoParent
PS: I aim to respond in 48hrs, I do read everything, but please be patient with me :)
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