The Choices We Make Define Us

At the beginning of a break up or separation,
no one expects you to have it all figured out.

It's too raw. Too messy.

But soon after, you need to know what direction you are going and, more importantly, why that matters to you.

Without that, you are in dangerous territory.
Lost in the pain. Lost in the ambiguity.

I attribute much of our co-parenting success during a decade-long transformation to having a clear vision that grounded our behaviors, our actions, and our accountability.

When relationships end, most people focus on what's falling apart.
The blame. The logistics. The custody calendar. The lawyers.

Very few of us stop to ask:

These questions, when asked early, changed everything for us.

In the days and weeks following our separation, we were raw. Vulnerable. Sensitive.

Two people who had "failed" at being married to each other, now starting a new relationship — raising our son together, while apart.

We could have gone to war, like plenty of people do.

We didn't. Not because we were noble.

Because the more we talked, the more we opened up, the more we understood about why we ended — we found something that surprised us both.

We still liked each other.

Our relationship was born out of laughter and joy.
Much of that had been lost between us.
But we genuinely wanted each other to be happy.

And this was enough to start.

I'm an optimist by nature.

And while I was carrying a lot of heartache, emotional pain, and real self-doubt at the time — I still believed something better was possible.

It was clear to both of us that going backward wasn't the direction.

So we asked ourselves:

Here's what we imagined:

When we sat with that image, something in us shifted.

It made us both very happy.

Happy to think that was what we wanted.
Happy to realize we wanted the same thing.
Happy we could still imagine a future worth building toward.

And it was simple.

Not easy. Simple.

Once you know what direction you are headed, the questions start to change.

What would it take to actually get there?

If we wanted to go on vacation together in 20 years — genuinely enjoy each other's company, welcome new partners into the fold, model something whole for our son — we had to sort a lot out.

None of this happened overnight.
None of it happened in year one.

Honestly, it wasn't until year 7 or 8 that I could look at what we'd built and say: this genuinely brings me joy.

But every step of the way, the vision was our compass.

Every hard decision, every moment we wanted to give up, came back to one question:

The years between creating that vision and living it.

They were not clean. Not linear. Not easy. At all.

There were moments when our old wounds got ripped open.
Boundaries we set were crossed.
Conversations that should have happened and didn't.

But the vision was always clear.
And importantly we believed in it.

That belief helped create the behaviors and the accountability.

And as you know — it takes two to tango.

It takes both parents working toward this vision of the family.

“That's where we're going.
That's why all of this effort is important.”

A tool to help you build toward something meaningful

If you are willing to continue following your curiosity, I have compiled the following 30-min exercise that to help you identify a shared vision for your family.

I didn't become a joyful co-parent overnight — and if you're in the middle of this, you probably won't either.

I share my journey to connect with others working through the same confusing transformation.

It might be exactly what they need to hear.

Thank you,
Justin | The Joyful CoParent

PS: I aim to respond in 48hrs, I do read everything, but please be patient with me :)