What 11 Yrs Taught Me About Teamwork

If I'm not there, I trust that my co-parent is having nearly the same conversation with our son that I would.

Not because we planned it that way. Because eleven years in, we've built something underneath the day-to-day that makes that true.

We talk to him separately, in our own words, about the same things — his independence, his responsibility, who he's becoming. We didn't sit and agree on a script because we built the kind of understanding and trust where we don't need one.

We recognize that neither of our opinions carries more weight than the other's. We listen, we stay curious and open to being wrong, or alternative perspectives.

We don't get all of it right. We talk about that too — openly, regularly, what we're each seeing in him, what we're struggling with, where we don't have an answer yet.

Since we separated, we've tried to include our son in the parts of this he could actually handle.

Not the adult decisions themselves, but the context — enough for him to understand what was happening without carrying the weight of deciding it.

He's always been the same since we was young. He wants to know things. He wants to be respected and included, not managed around.

But as with everything, we evolve, our relationships evolves. The kid we included at six isn't the young man we include now. As he's gotten older, he's gotten more say — in a new school, in a move, in decisions that used to be entirely ours to make.

Teamwork has been studied for decades — inside companies, sports teams, research labs. The findings hold up just as well at a kitchen table.

Google spent two years studying its own teams to find out why some outperformed others with the same talent, the same resources, the same structure. What made the difference was whether people could be wrong, or make mistakes without being punished for it.

They felt safe, and it built trust within. And this is the foundation everything else stands on.

Patrick Lencioni, who's spent decades inside teams that work and teams that don't, maps what happens once that foundation exists. Real disagreement gets to happen out loud, instead of everyone quietly agreeing to disagree later. Once a decision lands, everyone actually commits to it. People hold each other to the standard directly, not just whoever's in charge. And the shared goal stays the actual measure, not anyone's need to have been right.

We didn't build our team from a book. We built it because we kept choosing it, conversation after conversation, for eleven years.

5 areas we continue to invest.

Trust — we trust each other to do what we each believe is right for him, to say it out loud, and to share the load. That's the same trust we're building with him as he takes on more of it himself.

Conflict — we say the parts we disagree on, out loud, and we encourage him to do the same with us, instead of just going along with whatever we decide.

Consistency — we each talk to him separately, and he still hears one message, because we're one team even when we're not in the same room. Consistency builds trust.

Accountability — we hold each other, and increasingly him, to the team we're building any time something needs clarifying or realigning, not just when it's hard.

Results — the actual measure was never who's right. It's whether he comes out the other side an independent adult who can build a team like this himself.

Questions Worth Sitting With

You don't have to answer these to anyone but yourself.

Trust:
Is there something you've stopped admitting to your co-parent, your partner, or your team — because it felt safer to just not bring it up?

Conflict:
When's the last time you actually said the disagreeing part out loud, instead of going quiet and letting it pass?

Consistency:
After your last real disagreement with someone on your team, did you actually get behind the decision — or did you just stop arguing?

Accountability and results:
If the people you're building this with had to describe whether you're really on the same team, what would they say — and is that the same thing you'd say about yourself?

You might not have eleven years of this yet. That's fine.

Rarely do we start relationship like this full of trust. It gets built, one honest conversation at a time.

Start with your half of the responsibility and what only you can control.

Say the disagreeing part out loud.
Tell the truth about what you're struggling with.
Let the measure be the outcome, not who was right.

And build your team!

I didn't become a joyful co-parent overnight — and if you're in the middle of this, you probably won't either.

I share my journey to connect with others working through the same confusing transformation.

It might be exactly what they need to hear.

Thank you,
Justin | The Joyful CoParent

PS: I aim to respond in 48hrs, I do read everything, but please be patient with me :)